Urban Photography Myths

We have all received e-mails propagating the urban myths, which are actually fake horror stories which sounded so real. Remember the mails about the man who got drunk in a bar, and woke up in a tube full of ice-cubes and a note stuck to the wall "your kidneys were removed; call for an ambulance now". Or the one about the girl who came back to her apartment to get her lipstick, and did not switch on the lights for the fear of waking up her roommate, only to find in the morning that her roommate was murdered and the killer wrote the words in blood "Aren't you glad that you did not switch on the lights?". Or how about the story of a guy who contracted AIDs after being pricked by a syringe needle in a cinema?

I'm sure we've all heard all these urban myths before. But what about photography urban myths? After receiving so many e-mails circulating utter urban rubbish, I decided to do something similar for photography matters. Here are some hilarious and obviously untrue stories I invented, called Urban Photography Myths!

Note: All the stories below are false, and written for inducing humour. They are not to be taken seriously!

The next time you load your camera, be very careful where you place your finger. A photographer specializing in landscape photography was loading his Pentax 67 camera in Yosemite National Park, when his finger accidentally slipped through the shutter blades. In his haste to get his finger out, he accidentally depressed the shutter release. The strong spring sent the razor-sharp shutter blades slicing through his finger, and his index finger was severed!

Dear photographers,
Do not use the Eye-Controlled Focusing (ECF) function on the Canon EOS 5 and 3! A photographer in Boston dropped his Canon EOS 3, and tried to use it again. He checked that the camera was working fine, and began using it to photograph the scenary. After half a roll of exposure, he developed a stinging pain in his right eye. Initially, he thought that some sand has gotten into his eye, but the pain got worse as he continued shooting. When he finally stopped shooting, he found something really weird going on. To his horror, he saw 45 focusing points in his vision even though he was not looking through the Canon EOS 3!

It seemed that the Canon ECF is using a laser system which is harmful to the human eye. When he dropped the camera, the impact loosened a piece of protective glass in front of the laser emission point, which was meant to protect the photographers eye. Without the protective glass, the laser seared the eye's rectina and caused the 45 focusing points to be permanently imprinted on the eye. So the next time you want to use the ECF, make very sure that you do not drop the camera!

Industrial spies have discovered a product development plan of the Minolta Corporation. Remember the old modular card system of the old Dynax series? Users can purchase modular cards to be inserted into the Dynax cameras to expand their capabilities. Cards such as Landscape, Portraiture and Flash allows the camera to be customized for the various nature of shooting. However, because many users were not willing to pay for the additional cards, the system was not very welcome. In addition, many of the so-called "features" can be done without buying the cards, if the users knew what they were doing.

Now Minolta is reviving the modular card system for a new series of Dienax cameras (yet to be released). The new cards are different from the old cards, because they incorporate Artificial Intelligence. The new cards allow the Dienax camera to analyse the scenes, and offer "constructive" criticisms to the photographer, acting like an electronic guru.

For example, when the camera is fitted with the Portraiture card, the camera will analyse the subject for facial imperfection and face symmetry, and gives suggestions for the best way to photograph the face. An voice will give the photographer tips, and even tell the model how to pose! For example, it might say:

"Woah... I'm a portraiture card, don't use me to photograph the moon's surface. What? You mean it's a closeup of the model's face? I'm sorry... I really am... no... don't shut me off..."

"Hey... ugly... yes... I'm talking to you. Yeah... you need a plastic surgeon, not a photographer!"

"Hey... don't keep the face in the center of the frame! Why do you need such a huge space on top of the model for? You think she's gonna make it to the Vogue cover? Huh? Huh?"

The AI cards for the Dienax cameras seem to have a huge potential. Stay tuned!

Private investigators have ascertained that the Chernobyl nuclear-reactor meltdown incident in the 1980s was not due to shoddy workmanship of the Russians. Rather, it was due to a freak accident involving a photographer.

At the time of the accident, a photographer was photographing the nuclear facilities for the Chernobyl Plant annual. To get the place evenly lit, he was employing strobes all over the place. The photographer was using the Quantum Radio Slave system to trigger the flashes. Unknown to him, the radio slave was using the same radio frequency as a surge regulator in the fission reactor. When he triggered the flash, the radio slave also opened the valve regulator and sent the uranium core to uncontrollable limits. As the meltdown commenced, the photographer packed up all his equipment quickly like all good industrial photographers, leaving behind no traces of his involvement. Investigators only discovered the link when they found a crushed Wein slave, no doubt stamped upon by the fleeing photographer in his haste to escape. Investigations will continue, and industrial photographers are advised not to use radio slaves near any electronic equipment, including cameras.

The French Government is considering to sue Arca Swiss, a manufacturer of precision photographic equipment. France has alleged that Arca Swiss has made a thinly-veiled insult at a certain short and megalomaniac French Emperor, by naming their ball-heads "monoball". The biological deficiency of the late Emperor was discovered upon his death in exile, and the French government is outraged that anyone should call a ballhead a "monoball".

Begining in the year 2005, all photographers will be graded according to the "Zone System", in honour of the great American landscape photographer Ansel Adams who pioneered the system. All photographers, amateurs or professionals will be ranked according to the different zones based on their knowledge of photography.

The scale will emulate the original Zone System, with grading from Zone 0 to Zone 10. Zone 0 will be awarded to photographers who are completely dense, and cannot see the light. Photographers who are graded Zone 10 are considered full-highlights and able to see the light. Details have been sketchy, but it has been ascertained that only Ansel Adams and Minor White were ranked as Zone 10 photographers. Mere mortals like the rest of us will probably only be able to attain Zone 5 or less.

Authors note:
All the stories above are false and they are not to be taken seriously!